Panic Attacks and Just Eat

I swear- no one unless they have panic attacks or PTSD knows the sheer terror of what one feels like. I get them all the time- in elevators, on subways, walking down the street, in front of my friends and even at work.

On top of the anxiety that can overcome me in crowded places or loud noises, I also battle with my anxiety of food and eating in front of others. I hate it anywhere I go whether it's in front of my friends or my parents and commentary on what I do or do not put in my mouth is most unhelpful even when meant to be well intentioned unless it is coming from my nutritionist or my shrink. How come you are fine with eating gummy bears or cheetos, but you won't eat a hamburger? BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND-I know it makes no sense, I know it defies all logic, but SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Such was how I felt on Sunday at my after church BBQ after suffering a panic attack while being the only Altar girl at my Parish's evening mass when a thunderstorm erupted during the consecration of My Lord Jesus Christ. Somehow, my BFA in theatre got me through the motions. It was thundering when I was raped, so thunderstorms are NOT MY FRIEND.

A kind friend who knows my background that I reached out to when I was hysterical crying encouraged me to join my fellow parishioners at the weekly summer BBQ's we have in the church Grotto. Reluctantly, I went. Tear streaked, Mascara running, and OMG- who saw me that upset on the Altar and did they notice and what do they think?

Like I really want to eat after all that... Well, I did eat what was served but quickly. Then, I picked up my knitting needles to get my mind off things and stitched away only to receive a comment from a parishioner who does not know me well but surely has figured out I have anorexia... Michele, did you eat?

I don't expect lay people to understand the evilness and mindhell of anorexia. But I do expect tact and respectful appropriateness when confronting a friend or accquaintence who has it. If I could "JUST EAT" like all of them, I wouldn't be employing a shrink and a nutritionist.

Really?

Me wants more than anything to believe this is possible but my gut tells me it's a bunch of hocus pocus. I wonder what my neurologist would say? I am not knocking Oprah- I do like her, even though at times she can be a tad too preachy for me.

But, I think attaching her to be the cure for what is a serious medical condition me and millions of others suffer from is a bit far fetched and promotes a message of false hope. What do you all think?

http://www.kyw1060.com/pages/4860516.php?

Not Staying Silent

People may kick my ass on this one, but this is how I feel on the Ben Roethlisberger rape case. A friend of mine brought my attention to this article on the statistics of rapes that go un-reported- particularly when the accused is a high profile celebrity.

http://www.rgj.com/article/20090722/NEWS/90722035/1321/NEWS


I believe this girl. I totally believe she is telling the truth. I completely understand what it is like for victims not wanting to report their assaults out of fear of not being believed and being made out to be the bad one, the guilty one, the liar, the slut, the you were asking for it based on what you drank or what you wore, you little whore.

I went through 18 months of defense lawyers and cops, and sometimes even prosecutors- the people who were supposed to be on my side, treating me like this. It sucked- even gave me a nervous breakdown, and my rapist was not famous. Nearly every rape victim who comes forward to report it has to go through this process- remember the Central Park Jogger Tricia Meili who was left for dead and what everyone said about her…. She was jogging late at night…. It’s her fault.

My point is, if I had to do it over again just to have my say in court, I would- regardless of the outcome. While it is true that this victim was not obligated to file a criminal complaint for probably all of the above justifiable reasons I mentioned, in the eyes of the people defending him, only filing a civil complaint makes her look like she wants $, not justice. I am not calling her a gold digger… I am not saying that is her motivation…. I am saying that is what will be the perception, and this comes from my own experience.

I remember when I was going through the criminal investigation in my case, and my family decided to hire a civil attorney just to advise me. When the DA found out I had one, she called me up rip roaring pissed. YOU HAVE A CIVIL ATTORNEY? I’M YOUR ATTORNEY. What’s wrong with some independent counsel looking out for my own best interest? You don’t work for me, you work for the state. Because if you have a civil attorney and this goes to trial, I can’t keep that from the defense and it makes you look like you want money and weakens our case. I thought that was ridiculous but it is unfortunately true and I understood her point.

It is my belief that the only way things in this country can change when it comes to sexual assault is for the victims of this awful act to come forward and report it to authorities so there is a record of a complaint. I’m not gonna lie- it’s not a trip to Disney Land and no, you may not always get the outcome you want. But the only way to raise awareness to the problem is to continue to report it- no matter how famous they are, no matter how drunk you were or what you wore. I don’t want to judge people who don’t come forward, but staying silent enables the problem.

Spare me the aplogy, Mr. Brown

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b134955_chris_brown_what_i_did_was_inexcusable.html

I do not subscribe to the philosophy that the crime of rape, childhood sexual abuse, incest, or domestic violence is forgivable.

I do not subscribe to the philosophy that because one has gone through any one of the above that this = free right of passage to inflict such heinous abuse on others.

Chris Brown’s apology to his former girlfriend comes a little too late for me, but one I never would have found acceptable in the first place. It saddens me that people have no ability to see how their selfish actions can affect others.

The hell I live with every day from all combined of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape Trauma Syndrome, and my Anorexia are no picnic to live with. I can’t chop a tomato, grill a chicken breast, or boil pasta and if the phone rings, not jump without burning or cutting myself- all injuries unintentional. I’ve been through enough pain- no need to inflict anymore on myself, even though I know many people with my experiences embrace the practice of self harm. I am not one of them.

I have friends who understand my phobias with my PTSD, my ED, and then I have ones who are not so compassionate- one I cut the ribbon off with last week. I am not perfect, but neither is she.

I employ help for my shortcomings. Does she? The answer is no and she has quite a few of her own.

Oscar Award winner indicted for rape

I absolutely hate reading stories like this.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/06/23/2009-06-23_oscarwinning_songwriter_joseph_brooks_indicted_on_sex_assault_charges.html


They make my stomach lurch. And yes, I know my shrink tells me all the time not to read them, tells me not to watch news stories about rape, not to watch Law and Order Special Victims Unit and movies about rape or anything in the rape family on the Man Hater channel. (AKA Lifetime Television for Women)

The problem is that I feel so strongly about the issue that I can’t help but speak out about it, particularly as it relates to my own experience with rape and our legal system.

It needs to change. YESTERDAY. Craigslist needs some serious ass regulations in place so pigs like this scumbag can’t prey upon young impressionable and aspiring actresses. I think that cops need to be posing as people responding to craiglists ads the same way they do in chat rooms to bust child molesters.

First Phillip Markoff- the infamous craigslist killer, then the other sick fuck who hired a guy he met on craigslist to rape his wife while he watched. NOW THIS. What’s next? This craigslist shit is out of control.

Shall I join a Monastary or convent and take a vow to live simply?

While I normally write about crime, politics, and eating disorders- all subjects very close to my heart, I feel like I am wandering off into the territory I call writer’s block.

I have heard enough of Michael Jackson to last me a lifetime. Did the Dr. kill him? Who the fuck knows? The point is, I am tired of hearing about it and I think it’s rather sketchy that his Sister Latoya pays a tabloid for her opinion. What grieving sister does that? If it were my brother’s involved in a high profile case and asked for my commentary, I would not charge a dime and if even offered $, it would be allocated to the appropriate charity for a cause in their name.

On top of this, a man I have been dating with a large family- nephew’s, niece’s, and all, while we have only been seeing each other for six weeks and once a week during the week which is fine in the beginning, has something going on during the weekends with every extended member of his family that he is obligated to attend because he is the only single one amongst four sisters with children who guilt him into attending every single family function.

I once dated a man like this with a family like this. Sister’s who demanded Uncle to be at every single event and give his girlfriend a hard time. How is their brother supposed to find a wife if he is spending all his time at his sister’s homes’ at kiddie birthday parties with chiding- bro, you really need a girlfriend… when the one that he had at the time they were fully aware of was never ever good enough for the princesses’ and the Queen- AKA his mother?

After thinking I was going to spend the upcoming Saturday with my new man (Something we had previously discussed) he says to me tonight- oh my bro in law is having a party for his birthday and roasting a pig on a spit. Um- John Doe- you did not tell me you had pig spit bro in law birthday party this weekend. I thought I did. Let’s go out one night next week instead after work. NO. I don’t salvage my summer weekends for just anyone. When you say you are available, I take you at your word. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with your non committal haphazard bullshit. I seriously don’t think I have it in me to date another man with a family as large as his with Sisters and all their children and him embracing the halo that he’s the King of the Earth because he’s the only man in his biological family. If he wants a serious girlfriend or wife, he won’t get one by me by his caving into the manipulation and guilt and the lures of his family. I will not go through that again. 1X was enough.

I did not imagine him saying he was available to get together this weekend. I am too young for alzhiemer’s and the convent where my fellow female species speak ENGLISH is calling my name. Thoughts on random thoughts???