Panic Attacks and Just Eat

I swear- no one unless they have panic attacks or PTSD knows the sheer terror of what one feels like. I get them all the time- in elevators, on subways, walking down the street, in front of my friends and even at work.

On top of the anxiety that can overcome me in crowded places or loud noises, I also battle with my anxiety of food and eating in front of others. I hate it anywhere I go whether it's in front of my friends or my parents and commentary on what I do or do not put in my mouth is most unhelpful even when meant to be well intentioned unless it is coming from my nutritionist or my shrink. How come you are fine with eating gummy bears or cheetos, but you won't eat a hamburger? BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND-I know it makes no sense, I know it defies all logic, but SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Such was how I felt on Sunday at my after church BBQ after suffering a panic attack while being the only Altar girl at my Parish's evening mass when a thunderstorm erupted during the consecration of My Lord Jesus Christ. Somehow, my BFA in theatre got me through the motions. It was thundering when I was raped, so thunderstorms are NOT MY FRIEND.

A kind friend who knows my background that I reached out to when I was hysterical crying encouraged me to join my fellow parishioners at the weekly summer BBQ's we have in the church Grotto. Reluctantly, I went. Tear streaked, Mascara running, and OMG- who saw me that upset on the Altar and did they notice and what do they think?

Like I really want to eat after all that... Well, I did eat what was served but quickly. Then, I picked up my knitting needles to get my mind off things and stitched away only to receive a comment from a parishioner who does not know me well but surely has figured out I have anorexia... Michele, did you eat?

I don't expect lay people to understand the evilness and mindhell of anorexia. But I do expect tact and respectful appropriateness when confronting a friend or accquaintence who has it. If I could "JUST EAT" like all of them, I wouldn't be employing a shrink and a nutritionist.