How to cope with ED Freakouts during the Holidays

Anyone reading this post with an ED knows precisely how the holiday food hoopla can provoke massive anxiety. I go through it EVERY.FREAKING.YEAR. It does indeed royally fucking suck.

At parties: Michele, did you eat?

At work: Michele, Want a piece of Chocolate?

At home: Michele, what should we have in the house to eat for you? Michele, get off the computer, breakfast time, lunch time, cocktail hour time, dinner time, desert time. No pumpkin pie for you? How about a cookie? How are things going with your nutrtionist, and you need to put on more weight, young lady. Your brothers are worried sick.

So, while after 22 years, I know all these tools to help me cope, I thought I would share them here in hopes it would help anyone else. It's a guide posted by the Nationl Eating Disorders Association on how to get through the food freak outs.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=286&Profile_ID=73493

Hooray for Hollywood!

While I always place the blame for violence against another on the perpatrator, when it comes to Tinsel Town and Charlie Sheen, They feed the problem by continuing to employ him on the sitcom- 2.5 Men.

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b159724_charlie_sheens_women_troubles_are.html

To continue to employ him as the highest paid actor in a sitcom sends the message that violence against women- or heck- violence against anyone, is acceptable.

Charlie Sheen is no stranger to making headlines for these infamous incidents. (ie...Kelly Preston, Denise Richards and now, allegedly, his current wife.)

I know I am going to be read the riot act on being judgemental, but he's been married what... I don't know how many times with public records of such behaviors? I am hard pressed to believe that anyone who enters into a relationship with him is not knowledgeable of his abusive history. Such does not make his victims of his crimes their fault, abuse is never one's fault; but AWARENESS, AWARENESS, AWARENESS, my fellow sisters. Do not let anyone treat you like that. You deserve better than that.

Brittnay Murphy.... so horribly sad

As much as I was shocked to learn of her sudden death, I have to be honest and say that once the shock wore off, it really didn't surprise me.

In recent months, she's gotten thinner and thinner to the point where she looks like a concentration camp victim. Although she vehemently denied having an eating disorder, so did Calista Flockhart, then later admitted she did "have some kind of one" but was very vague. I recognize everyone is entitled to their privacy, but I applaud people like Tracy Gold, the former Ms. America, and Christina Ricci who came out and admitted to having one because I think raising awareness about eating disorders is critical to the problem, as strongly as I feel about raising awareness about sexual assault and domestic violence. Rape is why I have an eating disorder in the first place.

I don't know if she had an eating disorder or to what extent, but after having anorexia for 22 years, it sure as heck looked like she had it to me, but I am trying not to judge. Regardless of whether or not she did or she didn't, she was clearly abnormally underweight, and now reported by her friends as to abusing prescription drugs along with negative body image issues and a serious addiction to plastic surgery. She also was supposedly a diabetic. All of these medical conditions I am sure played it's role, whether she was anorexic or not. When you are popping pills with low body weight, taking flu medicine on top of it, it's going to reek havoc on your body. Same with Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson.

This isn't to judge but a call to physicians that they must after these cases take more responsibility at what they are prescribing to their patients so recklessly. Yes- I know a celeb can get this anywhere, I know they can go to a million physicians and lie about whatever their junk is, but there are things that can be done to regulate the problem- like blood test them to see if there is anything else in their patients systems before they pick up the pen and the pad.

It saddens me to see so many bright talents with such potential fall into this pattern of destructive behavior when they have more financial resources than most Americans to seek treatment. RIP Brittany.

Something Isn't Right Here...

I know I vowed to stay away from criminal cases this pre- holiday weekend, but something about this one just irks me.

http://www.examiner.com/x-22460-Seattle-Family-Examiner~y2009m12d16-SUSAN-POWELL-UPDATE-Police-suspect-foul-play---husband-now-a-person-of-interest

I really hate all these bullshit legal terms- "person of interest" "Not a suspect," yet. "Alleged" I know better than anyone how this dialogue goes and the stupid laws as to why news peeps and police must refer to reporting on these matters in this fashion. I simply don't agree with it. I do not subscribe to the idea of innocent until proven guilty. I subscribe to if you are not guilty, then you cooperate and you open your mouth and say what you know to legal authorities. If you have nothing to hide, did nothing wrong, then speak.

Before everyone rants at me that "Mr. Powell" who is now a person of interest in the case of his missing wife has no legal obligation to speak, well you can rest assured... I KNOW THIS.

That doesn't mean I think his lack of cooperation is right. If anything, it makes him look worse.

Do the math... two kids under five- he takes them camping after midnight. They are No show to day care without any clarification as to why, and he and his wife are no shows to work. Umm... HELLO?

I am so over hearing this story- it needs a new word for over.

I really am sick of hearing about this story.

He’s an infamous athlete, women at his feet, and the freaking world at his feet. Of course he’s going to cheat when he has all these bimbos throwing themselves at him.

Ok- I know where this is going… Michele is judgmental… not all rich and famous men cheat. Well… I feel differently about this based on my own observance of people of his caliber. Umm… does Elliot Spitzer or Bill Clinton or John Edwards or Kobe Bryant ring a familiar bell?

More so than their philandering behavior blasted all over the news that angers me is why their wives stay with them. I’d rather take the pre-nuptial agreement cash than put up with this infidelity bullshit, no matter how rich or famous my spouse was. Alas- perhaps this is why I am still single.

Spitzer’s hooker blasting all of Tiger’s lovers on extra tonight? After what she did? Lord help me, PLEASE!

Sorry to all ladies who disagree with me, but this is not behavior I would ever tolerate, no matter what my status in society was. I’d rather be poor and have my self respect, dignity and build a good life for myself then be humiliated in such a fashion, even if that meant I had to sacrifice the I am so sorry jewelry. Cheating, infidelity…forget it Macho Man.

Most men are lucky if they make it past strike one with me with even not as great a betrayal as that. Yep… I know I am bitch. You can say it.

Why does this bother me?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/6746377/Daughter-of-Billy-Joel-and-Christie-Brinkley-overdoses.html

Well, because it does. I, not being famous, not having rich parents, have been detained in the Cornell psych ward after panic attacks on the street, all which if the paramedics had just let me be and come to, would have relieved by themselves. None of these incidents involved overdosing, yet they still kept me there, against my will as a 35 year old adult. If I had parent's as famous and rich as Alexa's, I would have been out of there in a NY minute.

Since I don't, they held me there and made me feel like I was an eternal freak. This girl needs help- her parents, too caught up in their own drama to help her. It is my opinion based on personal experience that she would never have been discharged without her notaritey.

I don't know what to make of this verdict...

I have followed this case for a while and am grappling with, believe her, or not?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/06/jailed-amanda-knox-vows-no-more-tears-115875-21875925/

I know the legal system in Europe is very different than the United States, but still. Her behavior patterns that night and after the murder appear erratic. I try not to judge how people behave after trauma having gone through enough of my own, and everyone responds differently.

While I recognize that, her whole story is filled with holes and inconsistencies. Maybe she did not kill Meredith Kercher. I don't know.

But I am hard pressed to believe that she does not know who or what went down that night and who is responsible for this murder. Call me judgemental, but I can't believe she or the others involved doesn't know something and aren't talking. She lived with her- the three involved all knew each other.

If she is truly innocent, then her sentence is unfair. But I just have my doubts on this one. She has struck me as uncooperative from the get go.

Our Lives Are Destroyed?

Ok... now REALLY. Seriously...

What in the fuck is up with these quacks? We were invited. Ummm... yeah... to the White House? Where is the invite? Oh no... we were invited via email. That's like me pulling a fast one on my nutritionist. I'm 110... I swear... Really? Get on the scale and then me being so busted.

What gets under my skin about this so much is first off, the media attention this story has generated. I understand it is a serious issue given the security failure and it needs to be addressed, but there are far graver crimes going on in this world. (ie: murder, rape, child abuse, domestic violence, genocide, war.)

Secondly, to give this couple so much airtime and attention only serves to feed their quest for fame and fortune. They are nobodies trying to strike it rich just like the balloon boy family.

Thirdly, when my tax dollars employ the secret service, I think I am entitled to a serious refund after they fucked up so royally.

Food, Glorious Food- For some.... For Others, it is HELL

I know somewhere on here I have written about this before, but I am doing so again.

I really freaking hate all the holiday hoopla food crap. EVERY. SINGLE. BLOODY. YEAR.

Want some apple pie, Michele Christine? Umm... no thank you, Auntie, Mommy, Daddy, & brothers. Leave me alone please, and I have eaten what my nutritionsit has said, thank you much.

For those of you reading this who have an eating disorder and understand, you get my drift. BACK OFF ABOUT WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH.

For those of you reading this who don't get it...let me explain. We know you care, but you just don't understand. Nothing you say while however well intentioned will make this time of year easiar for us- or easy for us anytime of year. We are going to eat what we want, and what we feel safe and comfortable with. You don't need to tell us, but... it's only 300 calories and no one will notice if you gain 2lbs. We know all of this intellectually, but it doesn't click the same way in our brains as it does yours.

Put some apple pie in front of a bulimic and they can't stop at one slice. Put it in front of an anorexic, and enjoy the freak show after you tell them... just one bite. Would you tell an alcoholic to have just one sip of wine after years of sobriety? Somehow, I doubt it.

For anyone out there who knows someone with an eating disorder, the best thing you can do is be supporitive without the commentary of what the ED afflicted puts in their mouths. Those of us in recovery do our best to nourish ourselves, and it aint easy. So please.... let us eat in peace. The comments make it worse.

If you see something, say something, It's better than staying silent. You could save someone's life and they will thank you for it.

A survivor friend of Mine raised my attention to the recent developments in the case of a Virginia missing college student, Morgan Harrington, in an excellent news article.

http://www.readthehook.com/blog/index.php/2009/11/15/concerned-witnesses-before-hitching-morgan-harrington-caused-worry/

Morgan Harrington was supposed to be en route attending a rock concert, but suddenly disappeared and the accounts of what went down as to what happened and why vary. I understand that pending investigation, police can't say much, but it appears more people are shutting up than talking.

Two years ago, I could have died if people had not assisted me in a near fatal accident. My response to this situation is the following, and my prayer, that people learn from it.

This is a very excellent article. But the circumstances haunt me. It seems that something went down that day that made her get stuck and not able to gain re-entry and more people who know what was up with her like her friends aren't talking. Why go to a concert allegedly planned with friends and arrive by yourself? Alleged... How I detest that word. But it unfortunately has to be used in the lienancy of what is the BS of our criminal judicial system, in my opinion.

What is so troublesome to me is that people have reported mutiple accounts of seeing someone hurt and disoriented resembling her descrption and not wanting to get involved. It's like the Richmond case. What is wrong with people? If I ever saw anything like that, I would call for help immediately and report any suspicions to 911- whether I knew the victim or not. I'd give my name and tell the police everything I knew and saw, willingling and with no regrets. At least one person did according to the article. If you have nothing to hide, then talk. This woman is missing, my fear, dead. Her family devastated at her disapearance. It Reminds of the Natalee Holloway Case.

I live in Manhattan and suffer from a seizure disorder. Many times, I have had seizures on the streets of New york despite compliance with all medication. 1 that severely injured me just two days ago in 2007 and nearly cost me my life. Granted, it was a busy time during exiting work rush hour in midtown and people were around to help, but there were other times at random times of day or just a late night trip to the grocery store where I had them. In all instances, people helped and got me to the hospital. Granted, I carry all medical 411 on my wrist, but still. Why can't more people help people in obvious danger because they fear their reputations of their own ass?

That being said, I will never forget the good samiritans who helped me when I was too impaired from a horrible disorder to help myself and not take advantage of me. They know who they are.

Boy did I predict the future on this one...

I knew it. I just knew it was only a matter of time before the God Squad would preach out and about... Alcohol abuse.

This article I came across utterly disgusted me.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/opinion/ci_13781779

Look- I am not condoning tanking it up... but umm, I'd love to see a show of hands of how many of the 80 million friends I have who NEVER EVER drank in high school or college under-age- have never ever drank a few too many even OF AGE. Well, I am here to say that while not proud of it, I have fallen into that category, as have many many of my friends- both male and female. None of them ever raped me. The Richmond High School Victim thought the attacker who lured her into this horrific situation was her friend. Some Friend, says me. As one of my survivor friend's once said about her own attackers: "Alcohol doesn't rape people. People rape people."

I understand that alcohol can lower one's inhibitions, but it is not an excuse to rape someone and a victim who has had too much to drink doesn't deserve to be the culprit of such barbaric behavior.

Furthermore, I hear more often than not stories from survivors about being held responsible for their rapes in situations where there was no alcohol involved. Wearing a too short skirt, being out late at night, as we saw with the Central Park Jogger. I don't care what the case is- nobody deserves to be violated this way. EVER. Rape is rape.

It can happen to anyone

That is all I have to say on the matter. Enough with the criticism of her for not speaking out sooner.

Rape and domestic violence are excruciating to live through, much less talk about. And she had to live her experience with her caliber through the media.

At least she said something. Now, leave her the fuck alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ltKupSScdY

What a Cricus- I mean really...

I have heard every argument about this couple to last me a lifetime. She shops too much, travels too much, exploits our kids, etc.

He is a womanizing flirt and dirty rotten scoundrel.

ENOUGH ALREADY of Jon and Kate!!!

If you ask me, I think they are media whore wanna be celebrities who are exploiting their innocent children to make $ and going at each other making their divorce a public agenda wasting necessary news airtime that could be covering real crime- (ie… abducted children, missing children, murdered children…. abducted victims, missing victims…. Do the names Morgan Harrington, Madeline McCann, or Laura Garza sound familiar?

Some people felt sorry for Kate when it came out he was cheating and stole money. I don’t condone either scenario, but I also don’t believe in parading your children around on national TV and exposing your private life like it’s the Ringley Brother’s Circus.

I certainly feel for anyone going through a vicious divorce. However, this has happened to many of my friends, and many Jane and John Doe’s I don’t know. We don’t see it on National TV.

All I am saying is, maybe couples should think twice before going on a reality TV show and exposing their private lives. They may be pseudo celebrities now, but they didn’t get the happily ever after. Would they have if they made a different decision? It’s anyone’s guess. For those people reading this who call me judgmental, maybe I am. But I think I am simply raising a valid point.

Finally!!!

Cheers to my friend and supporter Mario for sending me this link for a victim who spoke out on the ludicrous law about sexual assault arbitration in the workplace. As a recovering Republican leaning towards becoming an independent- she said it all. So did Al Franken, though I never thought I'd be finding myself saying that!

http://thinkprogress.org/2009/11/02/vitter-rape-franken/

Whoever that ignorant congress person was that was featured in the video, and no, I don't really want to know nor did I bother to look it up because people like him who dodge the issue of rape and victim/human rights are not worthy of my time. At least in the Gospel According to MC.

Hmm... 4 reasons I think this is not very funny....

Just flat out sick.

http://seductionextreme.com/Catalog.asp?PC=DG-4503

1.) Does anyone remember Karen Carpenter? The beautifully talented singer whom we lost to this wretched deadly eating disorder called ANOREXIA?

2.) Or should I mention, Polly Ann Williams- one of the stars of HBO's hit documentary on eating disorders at the Renfrew Center in Florida, titled THIN. Polly was another one who lost her battle with this disease and died in 2008.

3.) The 2 girls I just blogged about a few days ago on this very same topic- both who lost their lives, to yep-Anna Rexi! I hope they are now with God and not suffering anymore.

4.) Making a mockery out of a mental illness with the highest mortality rate of any other to make a profit for your own sick needs to get rich for a Holiday that comes once a year is outrageous and unacceptable, even in these tough times.
NOTHING is amusing about Anorexia.

Speechless

There was the piece I posted yesterday about the mother starving her child to death, and now there is this:

http://vodpod.com/watch/360360-ifbb-pro-chris-cook-teaches-rear-deltoid-technique-from-gmv

I really just can’t say anything except that this headline making heinous gang rape case along with the deceased victim who was deprived of nourishment by her mother are tied for the year 2009 of the most heinous crime stories I have read about. Let’s hope there’s not a third in the roughly 65 days we have left.

I could go on and on about this, but it hits too close to home for me. However, I will say this. While every detail of this case is very disturbing, what really had me rip roaring pissed was what this cop said. I understand that he probably in the shock and magnitude of the injuries this young woman sustained wasn’t thinking about how he phrased this comment, but to me, it was downright as bad as Whoppi Goldberg saying that rapelanski didn’t “Rape-Rape” his victim. Please. 13 years old…and at the time, at least 2.5 times her age, drugging her with alcohol and sleeping pills. THIRT. FREAKING. TEEN. Earth to Hollywood….

This gang rape victim was not much older than rapelanski’s victim.

"She ended up with those guys under her own will because she knew one of the boys who had gone to the high school before," Gagan said.

LT, who wills themselves or asks to be gang raped by at least 4+ men while fifteen people watch them being brutally sexually assaulted, beaten to a pulp, and found unconscious under a bench? To use the word “rape” and “will” in the same family is a bit of an oxymoron to me. I can’t go there- I just can’t.

I hope these disgusting pigs- and that’s far too mild of a name to describe them, get the chair. If I were this victim, I would be more than “WILLING” to gladly flip the switch and my Catholic ass would not flinch with a shred of regret. God bless this woman and may she be able to heal and find the strength to testify and put her attackers where they belong.

I starved my child, and the Judge let me off. Go Me!

http://www.nj.com/suburbannews/index.ssf/2009/10/errico_of_garwood_pleads_guilt.html

I heard about this case months ago. I really don’t know what to make of it. It appears that for whatever crazy ass reason, the mother was starving her daughter and controlling her food intake due to her own OCD whacked issues, and what I highly suspect, and I do know quite a bit about this, probably an eating disorder of her own.

She claims she knew her daughter was suffering from “psychological problems.” Really? Well if you are intentionally starving your kid to death for whatever asinine reason, umm… yeah, I can see how that can happen. What isn’t clear to me is whether this child developed all these “psychological problems” before her mother started making her wear plastic bags and restricting her diet or after she may have shown symptoms of Anorexia and the mother encouraged and enabled it.

Regardless of the scenario, this poor child eventually starved to death due to her mother’s driven obsessions inflicting them on her own flesh and blood. It’s just downright sick. She comes out and pleads guilty- yep, I assisted in the starvation of my child, and the judge says all righty, an innocent life has been lost. Go volunteer for ANAD and do some time on the couch.

Having been possessed by this evil illness of what I equate with the devil, if I ever have children, despite my own battles with Anorexia, I would do everything I could known to man to make sure that my daughter or son- yes, (Eating Disorders do afflict the male population….) did not fall into the horrible trap that I did. If God forbid they did, I’d give everything I had to help them- not sit back and assist them in their own self destruction.

If ever I become a mother, I will be the one to say- sure, honey, you can have that cupcake or piece of candy. Certainly, not all the time, but I don’t want any future children I may bear to develop the warped thinking patterns of eating disordered behavior. It’s a miserable existence, and this judge's decision, down right egregious.

It goes back to what I have said over and over again about people using their own afflictions or trauma's as excuses for their criminal behavior. I was molested and raped- more than once- as a child and an adult. I don't think it's OK to rape or molest people just because I was and I went through some shit that royally sucked. Having Anorexia royally sucks too, but I am not about to teach my kid how to get it.

Rest in Peace, Hilary Pile

This story has me heartbroken. But more than heartbroken, like the headline says- Anorexia is a wake up call. I was cringing while reading it. This could be me, or this could be you, to anyone who may be reading this with an eating disorder.

http://www.omaha.com/article/20091021/NEWS01/910209970

Nobody knows better than me, “just eat” is not as simple as people who are not afflicted with this illness make it and how condescending it can sound. But, “just eat” is what anyone with Anorexia has to do to survive and fight the good fight.

As I mentioned in my very first post on this blog, Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness, and the highest among all eating disorders. It is not glamorous like Karl Lagerfeld and Ralph Lauren portray it. It is mind hell, and it kills.

I can not emphasize enough that if you have an eating disorder, seek help. This includes all eating disorders in all categories- Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder, and my favorite diagnosis for insurance companies to get around not paying for treatment, “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified”- a very lame ass diagnosis where sufferers may exhibit multiple symptoms of disordered eating, but medically do not fit the diagnostic criteria for a specific one.

You do not have to be bone thin to have a problem. Unfortunately, insurance companies use this as a barrier to cover treatment. An eating disorder is an eating disorder. All types reek havoc on the body. It incenses me that most insurance companies will pay for you to go someplace for thirty days if you drink too much, but if you have a problem with managing one of life’s basic needs for survival, that’s not a disease.

Many insurance companies these days have been successfully sued with class action lawsuits over their failure to provide coverage for eating disorders and there are many ways you can fight to get them to do so. I have several links on here to national organizations for eating disorders whose dedicated staff assist people on these very issues. Anyone reading this in need of more information may post here, and I will do my best to steer you in the right direction.

Forgiveness

People often say to me, knowing how devout I am in my faith, but you are a Catholic, can’t you forgive the people who harmed you?

Such questions I am peppered with by not only people of my own fellow faith, but by people of other Christian faiths. I refuse to answer. Such a question is between me and my God.

My personal stance is that forgiveness of the heinous crime of sexual assault is one’s own personal decision; no one should judge if they haven't been there. I often hear survivors say, I forgave my rapist. Again, their choice. Everyone's healing journey must run their own individual course.

With the recent news that Mr. Rapelanski’s ruling determined he must remain in a Swiss jail, I say, this is progress.

Should a sexual assault survivor choose to forgive their assailant, more power to them. I am not certain that will ever be me.

But all that aside, if you come forward and say, yeah, I raped a child, but cut me some slack because I am famous, have $ and been through shit… well, here is my answer to him.

Dear Mr. Rapelanski:

I am sorry your mother died in a concentration camp.

I am sorry your late wife and her unborn child were brutally murdered. It’s not fair.

I’ve been through trauma too. Trauma that was unfair, cruel, and heartless.

The difference that separates us is that people like myself do not inflict our brutal experience of violence on others, and you should not be able to either, using your celebrity status and personal tragedies as a pathetic excuse to pardon you for forcibly raping, drugging and sodomizing a helpless child. I do not feel an ounce of sympathy for your arrogance and your gross sabotage of our legal system.

Sincerely,

Michele Pardon

PS- no pun intended with my last name, but it is my legal one and in this case, could not be better suited to enforce my point.

Hot Air Balloon Boy should be in some hot water....

Ok…. first of all, if I ever pulled a stint like this, I would be the following:

1)Black and blue until I am purple

2)Temporarily on house arrest until my parents shipped my ass to the strictest reform school on the planet till age 18

I am glad this child is safe, but seriously…. parents who invent hot air balloons in their home w/ little boys and haul them out smack in the middle of night to go chase torrential storms and then of all things, advertise their bat shit crazy parenting on the reality show wife swap…..enough said.

He was indeed the devil for worrying everyone to death and fearing for his life and safety. But he’s also a KID. Kids do crazy screwed up things. When I was little, I used to run away from home and worry my parents into a tizzy until a neighbor would find me crying in the middle of the road because I couldn’t remember where I lived and would haul my ass back home. Time out, vacuuming, and washing floors became my new name.

I hope these parents punish this kid and make him take responsibility for his actions, but I also think they need to take a huge chunk for their own.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/showtracker/2009/10/cable-news-networks-riveted-by-balloon-boy.html

Well- it's highs about time...

Clearly, I am up far too late, but this one piece spoke to me very deeply. The endeing of sexual violence starts here, or so let's hope.


http://hubpages.com/hub/Talking-to-your-children-about-rape

Karl- Shut the FUCK UP

I debated about writing about this long and hard for many reasons. Mainly, because I think these kinds of comments and messages are not worthy of attention and feed poor body image and eating disorders.

My position on the subject of Anorexia, along with many of the leading experts, is that it is primarily a biologically based psychiatric illness. I mention Anorexia specifically because it is the eating disorder I have the most experience with- but I do certainly recognize bulimia, binge eating disorder, and obesity. It is my personal opinion that the media itself can not alone cause an illness as complex as an eating disorder, but I definitely think they can cast a heavy influence over those afflicted with one. They say that genetics may load the gun, but the media pulls the trigger.

In the case of Karl Lagerfeld’s recent public defense of the skinny squad, I think this is a prime example of that. The fashion industry in Europe is aggressively trying to stop designers from using emaciated models. This came about after the tragic death of a famous Brazilian model from Anorexia. They are also trying to shut down the infamous Pro-ana and mia websites that promote and advertise tips and tricks to continue eating disordered behavior- sites mainly created by people who suffer from them which I think is rather sick. I am lucky that the information highway when I was 13 did not exist, or I for sure would have been one of those kids drawn to it, as much as I am ashamed to admit it. America has a very long way to go in truly addressing this problem, and the CFDA and Anna Wintour need to do more than their feeble and meek attempts to put an end to glamorizing extreme thinness. The healthcare industry also needs to wake up and realize that eating disorders are just as much as a disease like alcoholism or drug abuse and provide equal coverage. This is why the Mental health parity act due to become effective in January of 2010 is so vital.

Anorexia is not my friend- it is my enemy, and one I fight daily. I don’t need stupid fucks like Karl Lagerfeld coming out with these destructive statements.

http://www.examiner.com/x-3446-Womens-Fashion-Examiner~y2009m10d13-Karl-Lagerfeld-defends-pin-thin-models

Project Fred

While this project took me two years to complete, I was never more proud, nor could I find someone worthier to receive than my Dear Pastor, Monsignor Thomas Leonard.

As an inside Parish joke, we nicknamed him Fred. Calling him Monsignor can grow tiring.

For the past decade, Fred has been my voice of reason, my compassion when life’s struggles bombarded me and hit me with all that is unfair. He has grounded me and deepened my faith, all the while still being tough on me when I Altar Serve, never resisting to throw out the curve ball outside of standard protocol with his table tricks.

And so it was that I presented him last night a sweater that I made from wool that is shed from sheep on a farm at a monastery in upstate New York. A sweater that took me many hours of labor throughout very traumatic times. I called it Project Fred.

His guidance and leadership in our Parish is nothing short of amazing. People think I am amazing- not just for making the sweater, but for soldiering on throughout all I have endured.

I say- Fred is the amazing one. Fred, this one’s for you!

Roman Rapelanski

This story has had my survivor friends in uproar today and emotions all a flying.

Rather than rehash the details of what happened, I thought this excellent article summed up the case extremely well and addresses the facts of this horrific story thoroughly and very articulately raises all that is morally wrong with this case.

What stands out for me the most is the fact that all these Lexus liberals like Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, and Deborah Winger- a woman for heaven’s sake- are rallying around in defense of him and fail to forget, this man drugged and raped a child. I read her testimony. It makes no difference that she wasn’t a virgin before this and had consensual sex before- like so many people have attacked her for. In this day and age, even back then, that unfortunately is not unusual. One having sex before does not mean you can not be raped and bears no relevance to the disgusting acts this vile scumbag forced on a young and vulnerable impressionable kid. I also find it hard to swallow that Anjelica Houston did not know what was going on and the fact that she did NOTHING to protect her, downright deplorable. She's one twisted weirdo. I mean seriously- if you are screwing Jack Nicholson, umm... well, that says it all. I am surprised she didn't watch, much less, join in.

The admission of his crime, along with his celebrity status and bogus plea bargain do not make him above compliance with the law. Neither does the victim’s proclaimed forgiveness. Even if the judge was leaning towards rejecting his plea in lieu of more jail time, Mr. Polanski waived his right to a jury trial, hence leaving any further sentencing in this judge’s discretion. He does not have the right to flee the country and not show up to his sentencing because he fears the judge’s decision will be unfair and fall within the category of legal misconduct, which as argued, probably would have. Judges’ are not always unbiased or fair. That’s life- take it from me, it isn’t always fair. It’s no excuse to skip your hearing when the state mandates you to park your rapist ass there.

Had the judge ruled to give him more jail time, that is something his lawyers could have appealed. The legal system is a bitch. It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I don’t agree with a large percentage of it. But there is a set process of policies and procedures in this country when one pleads guilty to a crime. Being famous does not make you above them.

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/thehumancondition/archive/2009/09/29/roman-polanski-raped-a-child-a-primer.aspx

This is unacceptable to me

This story continues to outrage me. I am really tired of hearing about this chick being "disturbed and troubled." Yet, all of her family claims she's a brilliant angel, genius, and smart. Ya don't say? If you are going to have consensual sex with five boys or how ever many it was in a male dormitory college bathroom... well, me wonders just how freaking smart you can be? Surely, not someone so smart who will graduate summa cum lade from Hofstra. Not that I think these boys were smart either, but it doesn't warrant being falsely accused.

My take on this is that myself included, most people I know have engaged in underage drinking, especially in college. It's not legal, but most peeps I know have done it. That doesn't give someone the right to rape an unconscious victim, nor does it give the right for someone who is conscious but might have been drinking to make up a story that they were raped when they weren't. From the evidence produced that I can gather from what has been reported, she wasn't so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing, nor were the men she falsely accused. It's a no win situation, and sadly, the decision has set a bad precedent for people like me and so many who fight for justice and the truth.

I remember my old ADA telling me once... "Our judicial system is designed to protect its weakest member. In our system, that's not you. You are the alleged victim. He is the accused. He has more rights than you do."

So if heaven forbid RAPE ever happened to me again... Yes, rape... the ugly word, the one everyone cringes from and hides under the covers from... would I come forward after this shit even though I knew I had nothing to hide but the brutal truth?

As a rape survivor, I am ashamed to admit it, but my answer at this one is no, I don't think I would. I know how this fucked up system goes and my gravest fear is that with her lies, she's done tremendous and irreverisable damage to a crime that I equate with murder of one's soul.

http://www.1010wins.com/No-Charges-Filed-against-Student-in-Hofstra-Rape-H/5303196

What were they all thinking?

It took me awhile and some long contemplation after my outrage at this scandal to say what I have to say about this.

My main conclusion is that false accusers ruin it for those who tell the truth.

That being said, while I think it is terribly wrong to falsely accuse one of rape, which it is clear, after the camera video emerged, she did, I don’t think these boys exercised very good judgment either. One’s sexual preferences are their gig. But if you are going to be so dumb as fuck to do what these boys did, then you are opening the gates for trouble. In this case, the video exonerated them, but I still think the behavior of all of the parties is inexcusable.

I don’t think a consensual sexual romp should land you in jail, but to do it in a public and what is probably a filthy men’s dormitory bathroom? I mean…PLUEZ? What were they thinking? Cleary, with the wrong head.

I don’t like that this woman falsely accused them- but I equally don’t like that these men are being portrayed as choir boys in the media. Guilty of rape… no. Guilty of downright stupidity- YES. The responses in the comment section to this article below annoys me.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2009/09/20/2009-09-20_hofstra_5_have_no_reason_to_whine.html

I have no words for the murder of Annie Le...

Except that my heart goes out to her family, fiance and freinds. Given how near this college town is to where I grew up, I am grateful I never went to Albertus Magnus College. No offense to Yale or AM students- they are fine educational institutions. But as a Fairfield County Native whose parents wanted me to go to Albertus Magnus- I didn't want to. I was alaramed at the crime rate in New Haven.

Believe it or not, I opted for College at Marymount Manhattan- back in the day, an Upper East side finishing school for girls. Having been exposed to Manhattan as a child to see Broadway, Saint Patrick's Day parades, and all events etc from two parents who grew up there, I never felt safer going to a school that was an hour train ride away from them on Metro North. Manhattan is not without crime or its issues, but I will never regret going to school there.

This murder of this promising student is just beyond my comprehension. It is so senseless and hateful.

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-15948-Homicide-Examiner~y2009m9d13-Body-of-missing-Yale-graduate-student-believed-found

Ah- Patrick Swayze

As a ballet dancer, I idolized and worshiped him in Dirty Dancing. I think the times I have seen that movie are tied with Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I had the pleasure of meeting him and his wife Lisa when they would come shop at a dancewear botique I used to manage as my first entry level job out of college. Such lovely and unpretentious people. I will miss him so much.

I hate eating out at Pig and Whistle of all places...

I hate going out to eat with co-workers, as was the case tonight for "Morale boosting dinner." Seriously- Eating out with them is like putting a hot fudge sundae in front of me. It's worse than jail, and what's the point of boosting morale when my higher ups can't put the people who don't lift a finger to help out in their place?

At dinner, I had 2 mini crab cakes and a tortilla chip with spinach and artichoke dip. Best I could do. For supper, I had the cod fish with tomatoes and basil and string beens + a cranberry seltzer. "Oh... Shelly, what did you get, that looks like a healthy meal. No wonder you stay so thin." No one ever says jack shit to Erin the vegetarian who orders a salad because she's a NORMAL WEIGHT. Why can't they just leave me the fuck alone? I don't comment on what they eat. I know they suspect, but my eating disorder and what I put in my mouth is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

Who will believe us now?

I hate being wrong. Being wrong is the hardest thing in the world with my stubborn ass Irish genes to admit, but in this case, all the evidence is ruling against my favor. See Link below regarding the Ben Roethlisberger case:

Roethlisberger Accuser's 'Hail Mary' E-Mails, Spoof Resignation Released - Pittsburgh News Story - W

I wanted to believe this girl… I really did. Mainly because I know what it feels like to be telling the truth and have everyone call you a liar, a slut, a whore and you asked for it bitch when it comes to the word no one wants to deal with. RAPE.

I protested against all the people who called this woman these names because I believed her knowing that is what the media and lawyers do to victims. Unfortunately, I was way too quick in my defense of her. Based on the news reports, they uncovered emails sent by her to co workers and friends that proved she was bragging about this sexual encounter with this famous quarterback to beat the band- even proud of it. All the hospitals she was in for her so called nervous breakdown weren’t from a rape, but a break up with some phantom internet soldier lover who never existed in the first place. This story just gets more and more bizarre and this girl is one twisted sister. While nothing has been concluded yet in court and there has been no agreement to any settlement offers, it’s becoming fairly obvious she made it up to extort money from him.

False accusers royally piss me off. The Duke girl, the Kobe girl. Other than the money part as a motive, I really can’t wrap my brain around why a chick would falsely accuse a celebrity of rape when they have traceable evidence like emails they sent boasting about getting laid by one that it was consensual. Come to think of it, I really can’t understand why anyone would make up a false accusation of rape and put themselves in a situation where they have to deal with cops and district attorneys and defense lawyers. Going through that experience was a nightmare I am still living and truly wonder whether or not I will ever wake up from. False accusers fuck things up for the real victims who have the bravery and the courage to come forward and report this barbaric crime. When people like Andrea Mcnulty, Katelyn Faber, (the Kobe accuser) and the Crystal Gail Mangums (Duke accuser) of the world fabricate being raped, well then, who will believe us now?

Need I say more?

Way to go CA- highs about times you open your freaking eyes! Reading this article and what the victims had to say... Ugh... it reminded me of all I had to say at my own trial. The devastating after math of rape and the toll it takes on anyone close to them. I can't help this time of year and being haunted by all the phone calls, the screaming and the crying, and helplessness of my family as to what to do to calm me, all worried sick not only about my fragile mental state, but for my safety.

This article aint pretty....

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090901/ap_en_ce/us_fashion_designer

I don't like August 30th

Today just Royally sucks. And I mean it as it in today- now 12:01 August 30th, 2009. Yes- I know my blog clock is off and I have no desire to fix it, nor do I posses the technical skill to know how to or care.

The summer season is just the worst for me to cope with. There’s body image and lighter clothes, then there’s the two days from June-September where two separate unrelated incidents of Sexual Assault sent my world spinning inside out and upside down.

All the bad news this week with child abduction/rape cases has not sat well with me. It makes me sick to my stomach, especially when today is such a hard day for me.

But I will try to breathe- and imagine pleasant things.

I Just don't get it...I try, but I don't

Two of my friends alerted me to this story today.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/08/27/california.kidnap.shed/index.html

Had I not been on vacation, I probably would have seen it and commented on it.

But after reading about it, I have few words. I just don’t understand how this is possible… Like Josef Fritzl (infamous Austrian Incest Dad) how no one could have seen anything? How do you raise an abducted girl who bears two of your children from rape in a shed, live there for what I can’t even comprehend to calculate for how many years and neighbors not notice something array?

At the time frame of the anniversary of when my own rape surrounds me, this just eats at my heart and raises my awareness of just how flawed our system is, and that we live in a society of denial. Until one is caught. Then law enforcement decides to pay attention and do something. In my view, while I wish this amazing woman for surviving what must have been pure hell hope and healing, the legal action comes too little, too late.

Next to Normal

As a belated 35th birthday present, one of my former roommates and best friends took me to see the Broadway Hit “Next to Normal” in which the lovely and fantastically talented actress, Alice Ripley, won the Tony and plays the lead character.

The play takes the audience on a journey of watching a middle class family battle, grapple and struggle with a house wife and mother’s debilitating mental illness of Bi Polar Disorder- a condition we learn later in the play that was brought on by a devastating traumatic event in her life in early adulthood. I laughed. I cried. I laughed, then cried again. It was one of the most poignant and riveting musicals I have seen since Spring Awakening.

While this musical is not for everyone, I would highly recommend seeing it. It especially hit home for me. I don’t have bipolar disorder- but having had Anorexia for so much of my life, this musical really made me stop and think. Surely- everyone’s family has their skeleton’s in their closets. No one’s family is “Normal.” But when you have a sick parent or as in the case of my family, a sick child, this play for the first time in my life made me see things from a very different perspective; the affect that the person afflicted with a mental illness has on their loved ones around them.

Be it an eating disorder, substance abuse, depression or any other mental ailment, such illnesses often take a powerful hold over the person suffering from them. The person becomes so wrapped up in their illness that they don’t know who they are anymore. It becomes their identity and while they know it’s upsetting to their family and friends, they lack the mental capacity to truly grasp that those close to them are suffering too watching their son/daughter/friend go through this.

As I watched this performance, I could for the first time recognize and appreciate after all the years of my family seeing me suffer from an eating disorder, what they must have felt and probably still feel like. What do we do? She’s been to every Doctor, been on every freaking drug, even tube fed. We’ve exhausted our finances, the insurance is running out. God damn it and exasperated… WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE HER EAT?

The hardest message in this play for me to walk away with was that my family and friends can not answer this question. I can’t answer the question either- but I know that ultimately, the solution and the answer only lies within me. Recovery is not always a smooth process. You are not going to sit on a couch for an hour and walk out cured. Sometimes, it often gets worse before it gets better. I’ve fallen, gotten back up, fallen, and gotten back up again. Not giving the whole plot away, but there is a scene in this play where this mother’s frustration with her illness has hit its breaking point and she says to the therapist she’s ready to flat out give up. He says… “Stay with me. Try again.” I don’t think I have ever walked out of a Broadway play with a line like that replaying in my head over and over again…. not even from Spring Awakening which is now tied for first place with Next to Normal as the best pieces of Modern theatre I have ever seen.

WHY?

There are a lot of things in this world that I just don’t understand. My biggest one on this list is why do people rape? Another big one after this God-awful just gut and heart wrenching story is how could a mother driving five kids in a car drive drunk and stoned? 2 of the children were her own. The other three were her brother’s three little girls. The only one that survived this senseless, reckless and tragic car crash was her first born son. She killed herself, the remaining four children and three others in another vehicle on a Westchester Highway returning from a family camping trip. See link below on Diane Shuler.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/05/nyregion/05crash.html?_r=1&hpw

I try not to be judgmental because not all the facts have come out yet, but it makes me very very angry. I mean the facts are that she was drunk and stoned. Toxicology reports don’t lie. What’s even more wacked is that all friends who knew her for years and observed her that weekend said she was fine- that they have never ever seen evidence of a drug or alcohol problem- never even seen her pick up a drink or a ciggie. Even the camp owner who knows her because the family stayed there often said she was very physically close to her when they said goodbye to depart home and didn’t smell a thing. So when exactly did she drink this alcohol? We will never know because the husband left in a separate car going on a fishing trip. Were the kids screaming and it all just got too much for her to deal with so she pulled over and had cocktail hour? Did she have a fight with her husband that morning?

All we know is that she was drinking and puffing the magic dragon based on the blood tests and the Absolute Vodka bottle found at the crash scene. How any Mother could put her own children and her sibling’s children in this kind of situation is enraging and unspeakable. In my view, it makes it worse that she’s dead because now the families of the victims will probably never see any justice.

Something about this story isn’t right and doesn’t add up. Why does a person who never drinks just randomly chug a bottle of Vodka? Something tells me the husband knows more to this story than he’s saying about what was bothering her or knows of a possible substance abuse problem. Unless the boogie man pulled this woman over, forced to her to drink booze and smoke weed, something was very wrong with her that morning. I am hoping her little son once he recovers from his injuries can shed some light to this story.

This is a horrific and devastating tragedy. Please keep all the victims and their surviving family members in your prayers.

Panic Attacks and Just Eat

I swear- no one unless they have panic attacks or PTSD knows the sheer terror of what one feels like. I get them all the time- in elevators, on subways, walking down the street, in front of my friends and even at work.

On top of the anxiety that can overcome me in crowded places or loud noises, I also battle with my anxiety of food and eating in front of others. I hate it anywhere I go whether it's in front of my friends or my parents and commentary on what I do or do not put in my mouth is most unhelpful even when meant to be well intentioned unless it is coming from my nutritionist or my shrink. How come you are fine with eating gummy bears or cheetos, but you won't eat a hamburger? BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND-I know it makes no sense, I know it defies all logic, but SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Such was how I felt on Sunday at my after church BBQ after suffering a panic attack while being the only Altar girl at my Parish's evening mass when a thunderstorm erupted during the consecration of My Lord Jesus Christ. Somehow, my BFA in theatre got me through the motions. It was thundering when I was raped, so thunderstorms are NOT MY FRIEND.

A kind friend who knows my background that I reached out to when I was hysterical crying encouraged me to join my fellow parishioners at the weekly summer BBQ's we have in the church Grotto. Reluctantly, I went. Tear streaked, Mascara running, and OMG- who saw me that upset on the Altar and did they notice and what do they think?

Like I really want to eat after all that... Well, I did eat what was served but quickly. Then, I picked up my knitting needles to get my mind off things and stitched away only to receive a comment from a parishioner who does not know me well but surely has figured out I have anorexia... Michele, did you eat?

I don't expect lay people to understand the evilness and mindhell of anorexia. But I do expect tact and respectful appropriateness when confronting a friend or accquaintence who has it. If I could "JUST EAT" like all of them, I wouldn't be employing a shrink and a nutritionist.

Really?

Me wants more than anything to believe this is possible but my gut tells me it's a bunch of hocus pocus. I wonder what my neurologist would say? I am not knocking Oprah- I do like her, even though at times she can be a tad too preachy for me.

But, I think attaching her to be the cure for what is a serious medical condition me and millions of others suffer from is a bit far fetched and promotes a message of false hope. What do you all think?

http://www.kyw1060.com/pages/4860516.php?

Not Staying Silent

People may kick my ass on this one, but this is how I feel on the Ben Roethlisberger rape case. A friend of mine brought my attention to this article on the statistics of rapes that go un-reported- particularly when the accused is a high profile celebrity.

http://www.rgj.com/article/20090722/NEWS/90722035/1321/NEWS


I believe this girl. I totally believe she is telling the truth. I completely understand what it is like for victims not wanting to report their assaults out of fear of not being believed and being made out to be the bad one, the guilty one, the liar, the slut, the you were asking for it based on what you drank or what you wore, you little whore.

I went through 18 months of defense lawyers and cops, and sometimes even prosecutors- the people who were supposed to be on my side, treating me like this. It sucked- even gave me a nervous breakdown, and my rapist was not famous. Nearly every rape victim who comes forward to report it has to go through this process- remember the Central Park Jogger Tricia Meili who was left for dead and what everyone said about her…. She was jogging late at night…. It’s her fault.

My point is, if I had to do it over again just to have my say in court, I would- regardless of the outcome. While it is true that this victim was not obligated to file a criminal complaint for probably all of the above justifiable reasons I mentioned, in the eyes of the people defending him, only filing a civil complaint makes her look like she wants $, not justice. I am not calling her a gold digger… I am not saying that is her motivation…. I am saying that is what will be the perception, and this comes from my own experience.

I remember when I was going through the criminal investigation in my case, and my family decided to hire a civil attorney just to advise me. When the DA found out I had one, she called me up rip roaring pissed. YOU HAVE A CIVIL ATTORNEY? I’M YOUR ATTORNEY. What’s wrong with some independent counsel looking out for my own best interest? You don’t work for me, you work for the state. Because if you have a civil attorney and this goes to trial, I can’t keep that from the defense and it makes you look like you want money and weakens our case. I thought that was ridiculous but it is unfortunately true and I understood her point.

It is my belief that the only way things in this country can change when it comes to sexual assault is for the victims of this awful act to come forward and report it to authorities so there is a record of a complaint. I’m not gonna lie- it’s not a trip to Disney Land and no, you may not always get the outcome you want. But the only way to raise awareness to the problem is to continue to report it- no matter how famous they are, no matter how drunk you were or what you wore. I don’t want to judge people who don’t come forward, but staying silent enables the problem.

Spare me the aplogy, Mr. Brown

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b134955_chris_brown_what_i_did_was_inexcusable.html

I do not subscribe to the philosophy that the crime of rape, childhood sexual abuse, incest, or domestic violence is forgivable.

I do not subscribe to the philosophy that because one has gone through any one of the above that this = free right of passage to inflict such heinous abuse on others.

Chris Brown’s apology to his former girlfriend comes a little too late for me, but one I never would have found acceptable in the first place. It saddens me that people have no ability to see how their selfish actions can affect others.

The hell I live with every day from all combined of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape Trauma Syndrome, and my Anorexia are no picnic to live with. I can’t chop a tomato, grill a chicken breast, or boil pasta and if the phone rings, not jump without burning or cutting myself- all injuries unintentional. I’ve been through enough pain- no need to inflict anymore on myself, even though I know many people with my experiences embrace the practice of self harm. I am not one of them.

I have friends who understand my phobias with my PTSD, my ED, and then I have ones who are not so compassionate- one I cut the ribbon off with last week. I am not perfect, but neither is she.

I employ help for my shortcomings. Does she? The answer is no and she has quite a few of her own.

Oscar Award winner indicted for rape

I absolutely hate reading stories like this.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/06/23/2009-06-23_oscarwinning_songwriter_joseph_brooks_indicted_on_sex_assault_charges.html


They make my stomach lurch. And yes, I know my shrink tells me all the time not to read them, tells me not to watch news stories about rape, not to watch Law and Order Special Victims Unit and movies about rape or anything in the rape family on the Man Hater channel. (AKA Lifetime Television for Women)

The problem is that I feel so strongly about the issue that I can’t help but speak out about it, particularly as it relates to my own experience with rape and our legal system.

It needs to change. YESTERDAY. Craigslist needs some serious ass regulations in place so pigs like this scumbag can’t prey upon young impressionable and aspiring actresses. I think that cops need to be posing as people responding to craiglists ads the same way they do in chat rooms to bust child molesters.

First Phillip Markoff- the infamous craigslist killer, then the other sick fuck who hired a guy he met on craigslist to rape his wife while he watched. NOW THIS. What’s next? This craigslist shit is out of control.

Shall I join a Monastary or convent and take a vow to live simply?

While I normally write about crime, politics, and eating disorders- all subjects very close to my heart, I feel like I am wandering off into the territory I call writer’s block.

I have heard enough of Michael Jackson to last me a lifetime. Did the Dr. kill him? Who the fuck knows? The point is, I am tired of hearing about it and I think it’s rather sketchy that his Sister Latoya pays a tabloid for her opinion. What grieving sister does that? If it were my brother’s involved in a high profile case and asked for my commentary, I would not charge a dime and if even offered $, it would be allocated to the appropriate charity for a cause in their name.

On top of this, a man I have been dating with a large family- nephew’s, niece’s, and all, while we have only been seeing each other for six weeks and once a week during the week which is fine in the beginning, has something going on during the weekends with every extended member of his family that he is obligated to attend because he is the only single one amongst four sisters with children who guilt him into attending every single family function.

I once dated a man like this with a family like this. Sister’s who demanded Uncle to be at every single event and give his girlfriend a hard time. How is their brother supposed to find a wife if he is spending all his time at his sister’s homes’ at kiddie birthday parties with chiding- bro, you really need a girlfriend… when the one that he had at the time they were fully aware of was never ever good enough for the princesses’ and the Queen- AKA his mother?

After thinking I was going to spend the upcoming Saturday with my new man (Something we had previously discussed) he says to me tonight- oh my bro in law is having a party for his birthday and roasting a pig on a spit. Um- John Doe- you did not tell me you had pig spit bro in law birthday party this weekend. I thought I did. Let’s go out one night next week instead after work. NO. I don’t salvage my summer weekends for just anyone. When you say you are available, I take you at your word. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with your non committal haphazard bullshit. I seriously don’t think I have it in me to date another man with a family as large as his with Sisters and all their children and him embracing the halo that he’s the King of the Earth because he’s the only man in his biological family. If he wants a serious girlfriend or wife, he won’t get one by me by his caving into the manipulation and guilt and the lures of his family. I will not go through that again. 1X was enough.

I did not imagine him saying he was available to get together this weekend. I am too young for alzhiemer’s and the convent where my fellow female species speak ENGLISH is calling my name. Thoughts on random thoughts???

Justice for 1- Not for All

I was relieved to see Bernie Made-off was thrown the harshest sentence possible today.

While I think his crimes were heinous, there are other crimes just as heinous that do not get as much media attention in our crime infested society.

This recent case with this animal child rapist in Oklahoma has me rendered speechless. 1 year for the rape of a five year old child? What the fuck is wrong with this judge?

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gzRZ1_GyFOWEIV3k2KM9UjOEqpyQD98S20MO1

Oh the girl had conflicting statements- we have no doubt he did it, it's just a matter of being able to prove it in court. She's freaking five and traumatized. HELLO?

Hearing this man's now adult step-daughter speak about the abuse she suffered at the hands of him made me remember my own sexual abuse as a child. The threats, the mind control, the pure fear that someone bigger than you can instill in you when you are being forced to experience acts that are before your time and have no capacity to understand. I was being forced to have sex before I even knew what it was. Of course I was confused.

Rest in Peace

What a day it was yesterday. After a lovely evening celebrating with friends for my 35th birthday, I was overcome with sadness at the news of the death of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

Charlie’s Angels was one of my favorite shows as a child- one of the few my mother would let me watch. I remember the days of climbing on chairs and jumping off them trying to emulate her and Linda Carter. Farrah was very brave in coming forward with her fight against cancer, and I think the criticism of her for doing so has been rather unjust.

As far as Michael goes- I’ve always remained divided. While I enjoy his music, I am not a fan of his personal antics and very much to this day believe he was guilty of molesting children even when acquitted. Nonetheless, he was a very rare talent but troubled soul and was tormented by the media hoopla. Nobody deserves to be harassed like that, and I believe a lot of the attention he received hurt him more than helped.

May these two iconic figures rest in peace and their suffering behind them.

And this is acceptable?

Sorry, but NO... not in my book. This poor girl- Mercedes Mendez was video taped or camera recorded or whatever the fuck you call it these days by a bystander and he watches this girl's pain and angst at the hands of these uncivilized broads, and he is not held legally accountable? This is like the NYPD Case where one cop allegedly raped an incapacitated victim, while his partner, allegedly stood watch.

Yet again, a scenario of violence where no one intervened appropriately yet had every opportunity to just pick up a fucking phone and call 911. I was a teenager once too. I know the stupid petty cat fight shit that goes on between girls. I still go through it with some of my less mature adult friends at soon to be 35 years old, unfortunately.

Regardless- and I don't care who may be cheating on who or what have you- there is NEVER an excuse to behave like this. EVER. And anyone who witnesses someone who is so violently assaulted as this girl was has a moral responsibility to report it and not record it like it's a photo opportunity to promote the local circus. Good for evidence, yes- which is probably what got him a free ride... but good for preventing the physical brutality he could have saved this woman? Not cool for School in the Gospel according to me. Brace yourselves- this is not pleasant.

http://www.myfoxchicago.com/dpp/news/crime/no_charges_for_videographer_in_Cell_phone_video_beating

Rape and food = Pleasure! YUMMO

I have heard some pretty egregious comments when it comes to rape, but this one surely takes the cake-pun intended.

http://jezebel.com/5269464/anti+obesity-activist-meme-roth-compares-eating-to-rape

If there are two things on this planet that are not my friend, they are the following:

1) Rape
2) Eating Disorders

This woman has 1 point I will give her credit for. Unfortunately, defense lawyers do resort to disgusting victim blaming tactics to defend their rapist scumbag clients implying that their victims experienced pleasure from their violent sexual assaults, that it was consensual, that they were drunk, on drugs, a prostitute... You name it, and I've heard the they were asking for it scenario from other survivors, to cases in the media, smack down to my very own experience and legal case with rape.

But to compare pleasure from over-indulging in food to pleasure from being sexually violated is just not something I can wrap my brain around, and the parallel defies all logic in the Gospel according to moi.

Obesity has just as many serious medical complications as Anorexia and Bulimia. To over-indulge in food consumption or as in my case, under-indulge are both equal forms of abusing a substance, even if the extremes are in opposition.

While over-indulging in food may be a temporary pleasurable fix to cope with or or hide behind emotions, I highly doubt that obese people derive pleasure from the taunts they receive by our society’s obsession and preoccupation with “THIN IS IN.” From personal experience, living with an eating disorder is pure mind torture, and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I did not wake up out of bed one day and decide “I think I will just become Anorexic.” Just as I am sure, people who struggle with Obesity/Binge Eating Disorder/ or Bulimia, did not wake up out of bed and say “I think I will just start eating what I want and puking it up, I think I will just start eating whatever suits my fancy, and if I become over weight, who cares?” All of my years in treatment have taught me that many of these illnesses are while not always necessarily the case, often genetically and biologically based- much like alcoholism or drug abuse. That is not to say that behavior modification with a qualified professional can't turn it around, but she need not be so harsh in the manner she addresses people who struggle with eating disorder related issues.

It is also a widely published statistic that victims of sexual assault can experience sexual arousal from a rape. It is not uncommon at all, especially in a fight-or-flight experience. The human body is wired to experience sexual pleasure. This in no way suggests that the victim invited, welcomed, or deserved such a vile and invasive crime to be inflicted upon them.

This woman clearly lacks any understanding of sexual assault and the devastating conditions survivors can develop- Rape Trauma Syndrome, PTSD, etc. She also is not a “Registered Dietitian” and has no official legal license to be counseling anyone what they should be putting in their mouths.

There is a new eating disorder out there referred to as EDNOS- Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified that does not fit the medical criteria for Anorexia or Bulimia- the only two official eating disorders recognized by the DSM-V. Not that I should judge given my own struggles with Anorexia- but a chick who claims to be a “Nutritional Counselor” who “May not eat until after 3:PM” unless she’s had a work out sure as hell seems to me to fit the category for EDNOS or Disordered Eating- no matter what her weight is.

What is wrong with New York's Finest?

Finest, MY ASS. I thought I had just heard it all after the 2 cops who raped the East Village woman. Then, I awake to this...

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2008/12/06/2008-12-06_brooklyn_cop_indicted_in_michael_mineo_s.html

This is just terrible. AWFUL. I am divided between sadness and rage. So this 24 year old dude was smoking a joint... SO WHAT? Have you ever smoked pot? I have. Does that mean I deserve to be brutally sodomized with a baton by a police officer who busts me for getting high?

It just incenses me that law enforcement is supposed to protect us, and then I hear these stories, and it's such a slap in the face. Who are sexual assault victims supposed to go to for help when the people who we are taught to seek assistance from are the ones committing such heinous acts?

What a way to make me laugh!

A friend of mine who has been through hell of her own in this so called "system" of ours informed me of a hilarious link she found on one of her favorite satire websites about a recent case of a civilian's response to Jury Duty. After a very rough week of crappy rainy weather here in NYC, I laughed so hard, my soda was pouring out of my nose, I nearly peed my pants, and everyone at work had to ask me if I was ok.

http://www.dlisted.com/node/31852

Now... I don't give a rat's ass about what the US Gov says about how it's everyone's civil responsibility to appear for Jury duty. News Flash Uncle Sam... for victims like myself of crime and going through a horrible court case of her own, this rule should be exempt for me. 5 years ago, after trying to get out of it I don't know how many times, they made me go to it anyway and said I could not be excused. What the fuck?

So I went, with my knitting needles and my books, hoping that I would just sit there all day and be excused. Nope... Not with my luck. I got picked for a mock jury panel.

A panel where we all heard some details of a case where this psycho dude wacked some poor man over the head with a baseball bat on East 72nd Street and 3rd. The lawyer's defense strategy? He's a vietnam vet and has paranoia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and was having a panic attack. Double my luck to have to be a potential juror for selection on a case like this.

Douche bag... I have PTSD. BAD PTSD + Panic attacks & flashbacks. In fact, I had one today during a nasty thunder storm. Do I bash people's heads in with baseball bats or rape little girls and say "I have PTSD... It's ok." Ummmm... NO.

So in the round of questioning on prospective jurors for consideration, this dumb ass defense lawyer calls on me and asks me... "Do you think that because my client is here today, that he automatically is here because he did something wrong?" DUDE... did u go to law school? We just heard he assaulted a man with a baseball bat. DUH!!!!!!?????